Boxing Day.......

The big day has come and gone. The turkey has been cooked and eaten. The presents have been unwrapped, the company has come and gone. And now it's Boxing Day.

For anyone who has been fallowing my blog, you know that this is the day that we gather with my husbands family to celebrate Christmas. I put my foot down a while back and said that I was NOT going and DW was o-kay with that. As time passed I started to waver. Guilt started to creep in, ever so softly. I then started to second guess myself for the decision I had made. Then my stomach would start to feel uneasy any time I thought or talked about "Boxing Day". Then it happened....I caved.

Now Boxing Day is here and in a few hours I'll be heading into the lions den. So I guess I wasn't so stead fast on my choice. I am doing this for DW and the boys, no-one else. I'll sit there and behave, have pleasant chit-chat, smile and drink lots of wine.

As long as I don't leave there his year in tears, all will be okay. I have a very uneasy feeling over my whole body about today, I guess if past experiences dictate, I have many reasons to feel apprehensive. This is their last chance, weather they know it or not. Depending how today goes, I promise I will stick hard to my decision next year.

So with wine and gifts in-hand I'll be on my way. For better or worse, I married DW not his family.

To Give Away To A Good Home: Tween

First, I would like to thank Carrie for picking of the pieces this afternoon, when i had a total melt down.....it was very much appreciated

To make a long story short, I have a 12year old who will be 13 in 3 months, and life with him has become very difficult. Nope, he isn't rude, he isn't steeling, not doing drugs, he just can't seem to listen or do his homework. I know this doesn't seem all that bad, but it has been a struggle for some time and it has reached it's boiling point.

Maybe I have set to high of expectations of him, maybe I've cleaned up the mess one two many times, maybe, maybe, maybe......

This afternoon as my blood pressure was rising right along with my voice, I realized that there is nothing in this world I can do to make him listen and do what is asked. Very simple task if you ask me...have his agenda signed by 5 teachers every day and to hand assignments on time. (he forgot this one in his locker) . I know, it sounds very lame, I should be happy that he isn't doing crack, or gang baning, packin' heat or whatever else it is that kids today do. And I am happy he isn't doing anything "really" wrong. Actually, I am very proud that he isn't into that stuff.

He is an intelligent, polite, sensitive guy. He has lots of friends and has a great but sarcastic sense of humor. (not sure where he gets the sarcasm from) I just want him to see the potential that he has. The opportunities before him, the possibilities. Is that too much to ask? I guess, I don't want him to make the same mistakes I did and miss what he could have. I want him to have a better life than we have, not that ours is bad, 'cause it isn't, I just want him to have better.

I will be proud of him no matter what, but what parent doesn't want the best for their child? Unfortunately he needs to get the habits he needs for the future today. I have taken things away, when he can't follow through, I reward him when it is deserved. It doesn't work! Things have flown from my mouth that I haven't meant, but it's too late the damage is done. (not winning parent of the year, yet again!) I have told him I am going to send him away to live with a relative or to a boarding school. Yeah, that didn't work either, I'm sure I have now scared him for life and have done massive damage to his self-esteem, but yet he doesn't get the point nor the message.

It breaks my heart every time we go through this, I just feel so drained. I know it will get better. (I hope).

In the end, no he isn't free to a good home, not even for sale for the right price, I'll keep him (for now) I love him with all my being, I always will.

Ho Ho Ho

Life has a funny way of catching up on you. We are just over two weeks shy from Christmas and I am dreading it with every fiber of my being. Not actually Christmas itself, but the stuff that goes with it.

I'm still at odds with Dw's family, unknown to them that I have issues. I could not fathom what would happen if I actually expressed how I felt about things. If I thought I was cut off now, all ties would be severed. I know I've told Dw that I refuse to go to his parents house for Boxing Day and I have been really strong and sticking to that. Now that the day is getting closer, every time I think about it I start to feel guilty and second guess my decision. I know it's the right one for me, but is the right one for my family? I guess we will have to sit down and have a chat about it. I'll deal with it, I'll get over it, I'll rant about it until it's done.

The tree is decorated, the house is prettied up and the outside looks good. The 20 cm of snow we received today made it look very festive. I even have the stockings hung. Now, just to wrap the presents. Man I hate to wrap, is there anyone out there willing to do it for me. I never get the edges straight, always way too much paper left at the ends and when you fold it up it gets all bunchy. I never have ribbon to match the paper or bow and the name tag never stays on. When I'm done it looks like a small child did it.

Well it's been a while since I last posted...... but not really to much to catch up on.

I have 9 shifts at work left, or two weeks from today I'll be stating my Christmas break, for 6 days. Yes it will be nice to be off, but I'll be busy enough around the house. All those last minute preparations for the big guys arrival.

I feel bad that I sound like a bit of a Scrooge, so I am going to try and spreed some holiday cheer. I was inspired today by a lady who was parked beside me at the mall. I was loading the van up with my purchases, when I noticed the lady beside me clearing my windshield for me. I smiled and said thank you, she said "I was doing mine anyway. Have a happy holiday" Then she got in her car and drove away. When I opened the door to the van, I pulled out my snow-brush and cleaned of the car beside me, got back in and drove home. Hopefully it made some one's day a bit brighter. I'm not looking for a pat on the back, but I guess you could say in that moment "it" was contagious and I am glad I caught it.

Bad Bugs

Talking about being down and out. I've just lost three days of my life to some virus that has gone happily from one family member to another. It comes at you with one good sucker punch and POW, you're done.



It all started innocently enough, Carter, our youngest complained of a sore stomach and runny poops....I chalked it up to him wanting to stay home...ohh no..two days later mommy is flat on her back whimpering like a baby, shaking like a leaf, wanting to die. I will not lie, I LOVE my bed. My bed is my most favorite piece of furniture in the house, well I no longer want to look at it.
I have spent the last three days curled up like a sack of poop in that bed. I have spend so much time under those blankets that i think I have developed bed scores.
For three days I could not get any relief, it knock the wind right out of me. My kids and husband hadn't seen me, they had to fend for themselves (I still don't know what or if they even ate)and cover me with blankets when the chills would set in.

Next it hit Zach...for about 10 hours, so that really doesn't count. Then This morning, the man who never gets sick....got sick! Mind you he is taking it much better than I did. But you had to have heard him...I never get sick, blah blah blah...Well look who is sick now?

I wouldn't wish that on any one...well there maybe a few out there that I might.

So tonight when I got home form work I wiped down the two bathrooms, all railings, door handles and light switches with disinfectant antibacterial stuff in hopes to stop "it" from attacking again and again told my children the importance of hand washing.




I will go to bed tonight praying that it doesn't come back.

In-laws...Unwanted, Dead or Alive

Relationships with the In-laws are strained on a good day....on a bad day, it's like the fires of hell biting at your ass.


>

Over the years, DW and I Have had our arguments over his family. It has taken some time but he now understands what I have been screaming at him for the last 10 years, "WE ARE SECOND FIDDLE".

We do not count, our children do not count, I am not even sure if they know we exist.

I could sit here and type away for a very long time and list the reasons why I feel the way I do. I shall not bother you with that extensive list, maybe another time.
For some reason it just isn't his parents, its turned out to be most of his immediate family. I think his brother and grandmother are the only two I have no issue with, wait a minute, they are the only two I don't have issues with.

I am not mean nor bitchy to any of them, but let me tell I sure as hell would love to be. I play all nicey nice and chat with them, but I have no use for them at all. I'll be honest, when we go there, I drink, I drink a lot! I have to, it's the only way I can handle them. The booze helps to take the edge off. They think it's mean that Dw always has to drive, but let me tell you, if momma bear is happy,everyone is happy. One of these times, in my numbed state of consciousness I will tell them the truth! "You must understand I'm really not an alcoholic, I just need something to kill the pain of being around all of you (minus Grandma and Dw's brother)." Not really sure on how well that will go over, I'm suspecting two things 1) like a led balloon and 2) DW will never let me ingest that much liquid courage to say those things, he will although, facilitate a nice happy glow! Like I said a happy momma bear......



I have yet to receive pictures of any of my nieces or nephews form his side of the family. And I wounder why I feel I have no connection with them and don't want to work on a relationship with them. Dw's parents don't interact with our boys, the screensaver on there phones and computer is the two youngest grandchildren, not the group shot we have of all six of them.



Last year for Christmas we got Dw's grandmother a digital photo frame, there were only 5 or 6 pictures of the boys or us as a family placed on to it. Let me tell you, there were lots of the other families and no one asked us for pictures!



This all may sound very petty and stupid, but it is a constant underlying stress in my life. Not that I sit around thinking about it but when we have to have contact with any of them, this anger and frustration erupts from me. So as you've guessed, I am in the middle of having contact with them.


I have decided, that this year I am not going to go to their house for Christmas, actually it is Boxing day. The father in law rents the rink in town and we all go skating, then go back to the house, exchange gifts and then eat. It doesn't really sound that bad, but believe me it is. I have left there the last two years very angry and in tears before we even pull out of the drive way. So,not this year, not next year, never ever again for me. I told my other half he and the boys can go and have a really nice visit with them but there was no way I was going to ruin another Christmas by spending it in the Burg.



There was a time that i just dealt with it all, but why should I? Our visits "home" have pretty much stopped, Thanksgiving was the last time we were there. WE can't even stay at his parents house any more, his sister (who only lives 20 min away) and her family stay there every time we are together and we are then forced to go to my moms or back home to Ottawa. They just don't get it. I don't even think they realize, and I refuse to be the one who has to show them.



We have invited them numerous times to the trailer, even for a afternoon, nope, never came. They have all come to Ottawa and didn't call or stop by. (we live right beside the highway), yet the expect us to drop what we are doing to go to see them.



It is going to be a very interesting Christmas.......I'm sure you'll hear more before too long....'cause there is the whole gift thing, but I'll save that for another time.

Where Does Time Go?

It is late Monday afternoon and I am sitting at the computer doing some surfing and crap when I realize how long it has been since
I blogged....and it isn't that I intentionally ignored my blog, but sometimes I feel there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done...yes, even though I am a procrastinator, I have just haven't been able to find the time.

So my question today is, how come time passes by so fast?

Even if you do stop to smell the roses, time passes us by before we know it. I sometimes have a hard time believing it has been 12 and a half years since the birth of my oldest son, 7 years I've been married, my father passed away 22 years ago. Lief just happens to fast.

I sometimes wish that time would slow down, just a little bit. It might help us enjoy things a bit more or truly understand why things happen.

Maybe if we take it slow, we can slow life down too!

Words that Hurt

Why, oh why, do we say such harsh things to hurt those we care for the most?





Two days ago, Dwayne and I got into a little argument.....and one comment led to another and before you knew it I was spewing all sort of mean and hurtful things from my mouth.



I didn't mean them, maybe thought about it before but I didn't mean ti. It seems though, this time I've gone just a little to far and I think I really hurt DW's feelings. Now, he is not innocent in this whole spewing of mean and hurtful things, because he said things that were not very nice too. I guess I am the type of person who can get over things that are said in the heat of an argument but he seems to be holding a bit of a grudge. Dwayne hasn't come out and said anything but he has been acting a bit different since the said incident.



I have said I am sorry and really he should know better, I am very sarcastic even when I am not in the middle of a dispute with someone.



Butt he question still remains, why do we say these things? Is it because we are feeling defensive and hurt? Does that justify tossing verbal daggers at one another? I know I'm not the only person who has said horrible things to a significant other in the heat of a lovers quarl, but am I the only one that feel they haven't been forgiven?



I know by the weekend all will be back to normal in our house hold. It just took along time this time to get to that place. (Don't worry, we are still very much in love and I wouldn't know what to do with out the man and I know he feels the same.) I think he is just getting softer with age, and I mean emotionally.



Maybe next time I wont be so harsh and take it a bit easier on him........maybe I'll just think about it.

My Dirty Little Secret

The Sock Bin.....that is the only way I can describe it. It seems, at least in my house, that all socks end up in the sock bin to die. You name it, we have it, such as; wool socks, wool socks with stripes, black spot socks, white sport socks with blue thread, white sport socks with red thread, athletic socks in both long and short, there is also my work socks which come in four colours and then you have my everyday socks and my dress socks. As you can tell we have a very large number of socks, so if you are left in there unmated, you will get tossed. BUT, you only get tossed if I get a chance to go sort the sock bin............ahhhh the sock bin.




It stared innocently enough, one day a few years a go was folding laundry and I didn't want to leave the lone socks just lying around, so I put them in a basket. Then, the next time I did laundry, I just tossed all the socks in and so on and so on...I think you get he picture.

It has gotten so bad, some mornings you can hear me say..."just go through the bin you'll find a pair". I have done everything from trying to buy everyone the same socks to everyone different socks to matching the socks as soon as I take the close out of the dryer. (how come one is always missing?) Nothing, except the "Sock Bin " works for me

To mate the sock bin is a whole other story and an evening affair. It usually involves the entire family. Nobody wants to do the job them-self, so we do it as a group. Everyone has there own task. One will have to sort the whole bin into piles according to colour, size etc...the the rest of us work on mating the piles but I still end up with about 10 lone socks to start the next sock bin.... I just don't know what to do. No mater what, I have socks in the sock bin.

Now, I have spoken to a few people, and apparently a sock bin is not that odd, it's just no-one wants to talk about it or admit that, they too have one. Why are we ashamed of it? Or embarrassed? Is there some sort of negative connotation or stigma that comes with having a sock bin? If there is, could someone share it with me.

Now that I have outed my "dirty little secret" there will be stairs, pointing of fingers and laughs as I walk by. Parents wont let there children play with mine because we have this disease.......Well I am going to shout it from the roof top and I no longer care what anyone thinks....

I HAVE A SOCK BIN!!!!

Now It's Your Turn...

So here it goes.....

I've been following a few blogs, nothing really out of the ordinary. Just people blogging about there life and how it happens to them. I cam across one the other day called "What The Hell" and it was funny in a cute way. I think every one who blogs should try this.

This is how is works...
Find the fourth file of photos in your computer and choose the fourth photo in the file! Post about it, whatever it is!

Here is mine

I know, funny eh? This pic was taken back in July (I think). We were having drinks at Carrie's trailer, just chit chatting about life. One of her favorite things to do is to take pictures, especially of herself. So this is one of about 15 she took that night. We continued to have quite a few wobbly pops and I have a really good video of Carrie falling asleep in that exact spot about two hours after this picture was taken. Most of my pictures are of Carrie....not because I take them, she is obsessed with selfportriats....OMG..........I have tons of her....and some really funny ones at that.

Now it's your turn.

One of These Things......

So here it is Friday, and here I am blogging.....anyone else find this picture a bit odd?

You know like the old Sesame Street song "One of These Things doesn't Belong". Well, that would be me, at home, in Kanata. Not at the trailer, in White Lake. Nope, here I am at home.

I'm at home because the trailer is now closed for the season, but it is just soooo weird to be home. Weird in a nice kind of way.

There was no rushing abut to get things packed, no stressing on what food we should bring for the weekend, no panicking, if we forgot something. The list goes on and on.

I am finally going to be able to get some things done around the house (as I've stated in other blogs), but it just feels rather bizzar.

We went out tonight, did some running around, took the boy ('cause the other one is at a sleep over) out for supper. I am in the process of getting thing in order for a get-together with a friend that I haven't seen in a few months (I think we all know why that is). I guess you could say, as much as I enjoy my summer it's nice to be home.

Poor, poor, Dwayne, if he wasn't a beaten man already, he is going to be now....you have no idea how long his list of chores is. I will admit, today without asking he did two of them....yep two, he just doesn't realize I have a list. I was giving him a week to rest and them POW the list would be out...now I can just add two more things to it and he will never ever know! This is what happens when one of these things just doesn't belong here!

I'll keep you posted on the list.......

Is This It?

Today was one of my co-workers last day. She decided to move to the GTA and look for a new job. Monday morning at 9am she starts working for the Ministry of Health and Long Term Care. She is Twenty-five years old, what a great opportunity for her. I guess you could say I am a wee bit jealous, not that she is 25 or moving to GTA but that she was able to get out of a dead end company, at least for me it is. When you are a PSW (personal support worker)there isn't too much room for advancement, unless you go back to school to do your BSCN or your RPN. I am too old to go back to school, couldn't afford it even if I wasn't too old. I know I would qualify for a student loan to cover the costs of school, but who in the hell is going to pay my day to day bills?

I am a smart person and I know my job, but that isn't going to get me anywhere. I would love a new job or should i say a new career. My body isn't going to be able to take this much longer, and then what?

I guess I expected a bit more form life than what I have now, not that what I have is a bad thing. I have a great husband, two awesome boys, a dog, we own our own home and we have two cars. I just didn't think I would still be living in this house...this house was our 5 year plan...we are at year seven and a half. I thought I might have a better job...no same as about year seven and a half.

I am happy, but I sometimes feel we are missing out on something. I am not sure what that something is but it is just out of reach. I can almost reach it, I am so close I can taste it. I just wish I knew what IT was. Is this it? Is this what the rest of my life is going to be. IS that selfish, to want more? I don't want more material things, okay, one thing...a bigger house, but what I would like is to feel satisfied, to feel full.

Have I hit the glass ceiling of life? I as you, is this it?

Here We Go Again

Alright, I promise not to wine about not blogging or how sorry I am that I haven't or how I am really going to try this time....nope not once from me, not at all. What I will do, is promise is to try and do this as often as I can....there, done! I've said my peace.

So, things have been the usual around here....busy, busy and yep you got it busy. We closed up our trail this past weekend. It is so sad that it is all over until next May. I hope I can last that long. We had such a great summer there this year. We met a whole lot of new friends, got involved...maybe a little too much...(there was something about a coo....I'll fill you in on that at some other date) Had yet another summer of causing mischief with Carrie. (Just look at her blog)

So what are my plans for the fall? Not sure. I need to drop a few pounds...apparently eating lots of food and drinking way to much alcohol causes you to gain weight, who would have known? I would really like to find a hobby. Not sure what would be a good hobby for me because I am an instant gratification type person. If I am no good at it now I won't enjoy it and stick it out until I am good. I have a list of things that I have started and stopped within a week because I was no good...I Would share but the list is soooo lengthy. I am good at reading books, watching TV and procrastination....hmmmm.....I guess I could just sit on the couch for the next 6 months reading and watching TV procrastinating about everything I need to get done...lol. Seriously, I would like to find a hobby and I think I am going to take the month of November to paint my house. There, I 've set some goals for myself.

I am also going to work on a few relationships, some new and some old. I am going to try to be a better friend to a few people and some others well, you wouldn't want to be them. I am going to try and spend some more time with a few others. I guess I'll have enough to keep me out of trouble until the spring thaw.

Concert Etiquette...Is There Such a Thing?

Last night me and my hubby went and say Billy Idol and Def Leppard in concert at our local arena. What a great show.... Classic Eighties but what a great show. Our seat were in the mid section of the isle, as Billy, As i like to call him is in the middle of his first song, six people come into the isle and take the six seats next to me and the proceed to stand, jump and dance , meanwhile bumping into me the whole time.......NOT GOOD. They never even knew I was there. The lady to our left had an extra ticket and offered for me and DW to move down one, to give the rowdy ones a bit more room, and save my foot from being jumped on a tenth time.



I'm thinking to myself...this is okay, now that there is some room between us...yeah not so much...the continued to move to the left and now occupy the space in front of the seat that was actually mine. When a let the guy "dancing" beside me know that he had crossed that invisible line, he was none to happy with me. I explained that the seat he was actually in front was really mine, he got a little rude and mad some sort of fish face at me and that would be when DW stood up and asked the guy "nicely" if he had a problem. We never got an answer, he and his lady friend quickly left the row and went and had a smoke/drink /snack.....upon there return the switched seats...so that she was now beside me. No Problem. Or so I think.



With in two minutes of them returning to the seats she is now bumping into me, with the extra seat still between us. I let her know, not so nicely this time, that the seat she is now occupying is MINE. She starts to argue with me...and became a bit nasty, then she stops and counts, she stops at six and says.....sorry. No gonna work. It was repeated throughout Billy's whole set.



How can you enjoy a concert when people keep ramming into you? This is how....at intermission you complain to the BIG bald guy, who happens to be the usher at your section, and let him handle it, needless to say the remainder of the show was enjoyed without incident.



I understand that you can stand at your seat, and even dance but if you want to have a mosh pit, maybe you should have gotten tickets on the floor. You must take into account that some people actually don't have to stand or dance for the whole concert and can ally sit and enjoy the show. WE all have paid for tickets.



I don't understand how people acan pay good money for a show and leave for parts, for 5 and 10 min at a time. I still haven't figured out why they sell so much food at a concert...how can you sing along while jamming a piece of pizza into you mouth?



Where is Miss Manners when you need her?

When are you too Old?

I got a email the other day form a relative, who by all accounts is pretty straight laced. In the email she decided to tell me that my actions, as posted on Facebook, are very much immature and some of them horrendous. I should be embarrassed of the things that go on. Talk about knocking me down a notch.

Now, I never did respond, I just deleted it before hubby could read it. I took it with a grain of salt, because really there are some pretty bad things posted. Yet if you truly knew me you would know that: a) it really isn't as bad as it looks and b) it's all about fun and yes somethings are posted WAY out of context.

I am not angry with my cousin nor am I with anyone who has posted things because I know what really went down. So this has brought me to the question; WHEN ARE YOU TO OLD?

Am I too old to be having the fun? Should I be setting a better example for my children? Should I just lay low into my forty's? I don't think so. I don't think I'm too old, 'cause there are other campers who are older than me heaving more fun....as for my children, it's not like I'm making them shooters.....I make sure that we keep the shooters and stuff away until they are gone.

If it was a 20 year old in my pic's instead of me, man people would be talking about how much she likes to party, but because I'm in my mid-thirties and a mother of two it's wrong. When did being married and having children make you old? Maybe grown up but not old. I will be the first to admit it. I love to have a good time.

My cousin took what she saw on Facebook and formed her opinion. But by doing so she has made me question myself and the fun I have in my spare time that I work hard for.

So, as I ponder if I'm too old to act a bit crazy I come to the realization that if I didn't have the fun I do have I would be a very bitter, straight laced, prim and proper person sending scolding emails to relatives.

You only live once.........please enjoy.

How I Hate Mondays

So we all hate the start of a new work week. Well for me, depending on my schedule, it is either the start of a new work week or the continuation of one. Neither is pleasant for me. I have a hard enough time getting up in the morning, let alone facing another week of mundane, mind numbing nothingness. I am not saying my job is pointless because it isn't, I just hate Mondays. Simple as that.

Mondays to me are like sand in my underwear, they just annoy the hell out of me. There really isn't any substantial reason for my disdain for Monday's, but really what has Monday done for you?

It has done nothing, zip, zilch, nodda, the big fat zero for me. Oh wait I take that back, I once in a while get a three day long weekend because a holiday falls on a Monday, but other than that, Monday has done nothing for me. At least, for me Tuesday (depending on my schedule) is my day off and not a too bad day at work and I already have one day under my belt, so Tuesday is that much easier. Wednesday is hump day, and pay day so either way I'm half way through the week and I've gotten paid. Thursday, again depending on my schedule is my day off or the second last day to work before a very nice rewarding weekend off. Friday, doesn't need much explanation there...and neither does Saturday or Sunday...........but oh my goodness Monday drags on.

When I'm off on the weekend, I'm afraid that I'm gonna sleep in on Monday because I've played so hard on the weekend. When I work the weekend the same goes, but it's because I've worked so hard.
Monday just can't win in my book. Nothing good ever happens n a Monday, at least not in my life. Have you never herd the song "I don't like Monday's" from the Boomtownrats? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POl4vFp-5os)
Bob Geldof wrote the song after reading a story after reading a report on the shooting spree of 16-year-old Brenda Ann Spencer, who fired at children playing in a school playground across the street from her home in San Diego, California. She killed two adults and injured eight children and one police officer. Spencer showed no remorse for her crime, and her explanation for her actions was "I don't like Mondays."

So, I don't dislike them that much, but I hope you get the point...Mondays are good for nothing. Tuesday is always better.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah............

So, my hope was to write in this OFTEN, well I guess often is, whenever I feel like it. Seriously, I really did want to try and do this at least weekly. I guess that means that today is a great day to start...........just one problem, I'm a procrastinator.

Maybe this will become the one thing that brings my procrastination to an end.... I have spent many a year honing the skill, I am great at it. You name it, studying, writing papers, doing projects, breaking up with boyfriends, calling or writing people back, paying bills (and I had the money), even grocery shopping. I mean, anything you can do today, you can do it tomorrow, or the next day or even the day after that. Do you see my problem? It's not like I've got something better to do, I just choose to say "yeah, I'll do it later".

I put things off so long that I panic when the dead line hits....it does get done, and done well I might add, but there is a whole lot of negative energy and four letter words along the way. They say 21 times makes a habit, does that mean that if I write in this 21 days in a row, it will just become habit? I guess this is day number 1. Wish me luck and I hope to see you tomorrow.

Famliy, Shmamliy

When do you get the right to divorce your family? And why do they say blood is thicker than water? These two questions that have been bobbing around in the space between my ears for a few days now. Family? They drive me nuts. I don't' mean your husband or children ('cause yeah, you could divorce them too), I mean parents and siblings. God help us all. You can't tell me that everybody has a perfect relationship with these people. I know I sure don't, I'll be the first one in that line. I've hit a rough patch with my family and it is causing me to re-evaluate things, like my relationship with each of them, or lack there of one. I've been upset with them in the past but this time I really think I'm done.

I have actually gone a few days now without speaking to my mother, which for me is very, very hard to do. Anything happens, I want to share it with her....weather she wants to know about it or not. I can't tell you how many times I've put the phone back down and had to remind myself that "I'm not talking to her!" It really isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I'm not saying my mom is a bad person, because she isn't. She is actually a very kind person. But I've had my fill. This is the first time in 3o some odd years that I have truly felt that I didn't want anything to do with her. The funny thing is that this it isn't over anything jinormous.....I've just had enough. The proverbial ball is in her court. I know this really doesn't justify a divorce how about a "temporary separation"? I just wish sometimes she would think of the other person, how they might feel or how they may re-act. So to boil it down for you, I didn't react the best nor did I feel that shit hot during our last conversation. (thanks of course to her). I have said my peace and that's all I can do. I know things will eventually go back to the way it used to be but right now I could care less.

Does anybody out there know what he definition of "Sister" is? I guess we all have our own thoughts and ideas on it , so when I typed the word "sister " into Wikipedia, it sent me to the page for sibling. This is what I got.

"A sibling is someone with whom one shares at least one parent. This is usually taken to mean that the two people are genetically very close, though it is not always necessarily the case, for example one or more siblings may have been adopted by their parents.
In most societies throughout the world, siblings will usually grow up together and spend a good deal of their time during childhood together. They may have conflicts during their childhood years, but usually resolve them later in life. This closeness may be marked with the development of strong emotional associations such as love and enmity. The sibling bond is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and people and experiences outside the family."

I guess my sister missed this word in the dictionary. Conflicts in the early years? That is all we have ever had and we are grown married woman with children, there are no warm fuzzy moments to look back upon between us. As for love, I think only because we have to love each other we do. Complicated, doesn't even begin to describe our relationship. We just can't get along. I have friends who are more like sisters to me than she has ever been. Not that I am the best sister of the year award winner but my goodness I treat her a lot better than she does me. I can't take her self richeous attitude anymore. Her way or the high way...and right now you could say I've been put on the high way. She has hurt me more than she will ever know. Years and years I have wanted nothing more than to have some sort of a relationship with her and be sisters but it just doesn't work. i have no energy left to try any more. I have spent a lot of time in my life crying because of her. Today I say "No more". I am not going to let her affect me anymore. Life is precious. I have other sisters out there, who accept all my faults and baggage. Who don't judge and who don't place blame. They love me because they want to not because they have to. Maybe water is the thicker fluid.

Was is something I said?

By the looks of my other postings, I am the one who seems to have a problem with friendships, and all this time, I thought it was other people who had the problem.
When a friendship starts to fade and you try to reclaim it, when do you let go? How hard are you required to fight? When do you give up that fight? Do you step in the ring and give it all you got for the full 10 rounds or do you wave the white flag after only a few bouts?
I guess what is making this one hard to either fight for or let go of, is the fact that nothing has happened. There has been no fight, no argument, not even a nasty phone call. I think what happened is life. We get busy, stuff happens.
I have a friend, who I consider a very good friend. My husband and hers were/are friends, our kids were/are friends. We were close. They moved a short distance away, just over a year and a half ago. At first, we saw each other regularly and talked on the phone often, but then we just slowly drifted apart. We would talk once or twice a month. We would see each other maybe once every other month. About a month ago, we both tried to make a real effort to stay connected. (I guess I tried harder than she did.) As of today, I have sent two emails, called at least 6 times, leaving four messages. I have asked her to let me know what I have done wrong, just so I would know and maybe try and fix it. If she no longer wants to be friends, that is fine with me, but at least give me the respect and respond to one of the messages/phone calls/emails. I think I can handle it.
So now, do I let this slip into the unknown? Or do I try to get an answer?
I just want to know, was it something I said?

Hard to Help...

Everyone has heard the saying "when life tosses you lemons, make lemonade". Well, it really isn't all that simple.
I have a friend who really needs some help, but there is nothing I can do for her. It isn't' like she is a crack addict or something like that. Life has just tossed some real sour lemons at her and there is NO frigging way that she could possible make lemonade out of that. But she is trying. Sometimes there just isn't enough sugar in the world.
As a friend, it so difficult to see her suffering with pain. She has had a most difficult year, and for the rest of us she has held it together pretty good..... but I see the pain and there is nothing, nothing that I can do...I just want to hold her and take all the pain away for her.
I make sure that I touch base with her everyday...weather it be a text, email or phone call. For me, it just isn't enough..again I wish I could do more. These are things that only she can resolve and I hope by reaching out she will know that I am there for her. I am not sure if this about her or about me and my guilt at not being able to help.
I am pretty good at pitching in and helping my friends in need, but this has me feeling helpless...something I never really feel. I know in my heart of hearts she is going to be okay...it is going to take a while but she will be okay. I just wish that there was an easier road to travel than this.